The “Two Week Wait.”

The “Two Week Wait…”

Collectively the worst experience for any women dealing with infertility. 

Last transfer I was hopeful. This time I feel… Discouraged. This whole protocol I’ve felt down. Just sad, and it makes me angry and confused.

If this one doesn’t take we’ve resolved to stop, and do another round of IVF to get more eggs before doing another FET. That’s frightening in an of itself. We have to put everything back on hold and start back over again. I know there are so many women who have done this… And I feel your sadness as if it were my own, even though it’s not my reality yet.

I guess it’s all just fear. I am afraid of a negative result. Or another chemical loss.

It means I also walk around obsessing over every symptom.

I’ve had a significant amount of cramping. Not full blown period cramping… But annoying discomfort. Also I feel STIFF inside. I also seem to have excessive moisture… Not full blow discharge though. I’m also waking up covered in sweat… But that’s sorta been happening since I started the progesterone. My breasts are mildly sore. When I was pregnant before my breasts were sore too. My full MC my breast swelled up like balloons almost instantly.

But this isn’t hope in my heart. It’s heartbreak. Fearful of a loss. We only have 2 embryos. There is only one left in the freezer. 

I’ve done everything I can do you little one. I’ve scraped up my insides. I’ve prepped you. I’ve liberated you from my ovaries. I’ve fertilized you. I’ve tested and froze you. I’ve prepped my body for you. I’ve defrosted you and put you back in. It’s your job now. It’s up to you. 

Infertility Is Not One Size

Infertility is not one size fits all.

I have endometriosis that ruined my tubes and ate up my eggs. Someone else I know has PCOS. Someone else I know has a weak cervix. The list goes on and on… 

Infertility doesn’t come in the same flavor or size. People need to stop making blanket statements about it.
Whenever someone gives me their crackpot advice it takes strength of will not to rip off their head and drink their blood… (And with fertility meds I do believe that possible at times.) 
Some of the most shitty advice I frequently get: “Be careful! I know someone who did IVF and then got pregnant naturally later!”
Good for them, I can’t begrudge them for their luck. Sometimes the body just needs help figuring out how to do it. I’ve heard these stories too… But they did do IVF for a few rounds before they had any success. They had an IVF baby first. That still shows the worth of IVF. 
HOWEVER, my body is not the same. My body is “broken” for lack of a better word. Natural conception would most likely kill me. Three of my losses have been presumed ectopic because my tubes are so narrow and twisted nothing can get down them. My shitty old doctor didn’t do their due diligence before I switched to a fertility clinic (if your patient calls you and says “I’m pregnant and in a tremendous amount of pain” you should PROBABLY SEE THEM IMMEDIATELY!), so we will never know for sure… But because of what they found inside during my surgery, it’s safe to say that’s what happened. My uterus itself is fine. I can GET pregnant. For heavens sakes, I’ve done it 4 times. -Keeping it, however, is another story… Mainly because of its location “my ovaries/tubes” as not a good place to implant… But also because I have low ovarion reserve and the remaining eggs are statistically high for abnormalities. Luckily, the two remaining embryos (out of 5) we have in the freezer have both been tested and are genetically sound. I am HOPING that now that they’ve been tested we will have success on this FET. (I will still have CVS done to make sure nothing bypassed the first round of testing…) 
If it goes wrong this time we may have to explore the possibility that my body treats pregnancy as an infection. Hopefully we won’t have to cross the bridge of reproductive immunology, but it’s a possibility I live with. 
Without IVF I would never be able to have children because I have to put my embryos in backwards (through my cervix) because they can’t make it down my tubes. 
I wish people would spare me their uneducated advice about MY body.
I especially love when people know better then doctors.

I understand this is not easy for other people to understand, but acting like IVF is some ridiculous alternative I have CHOSEN instead of having normal sex makes me want to scream! Of course I want to spend ridiculous amounts of money to have no sex and stick needles in myself daily rather then enjoyable intercourse! 

My infertility is personal. It’s mine. Everyone has their own type of infertility. That’s why each clinic designs a protocol based on each individual patient. 
Lucky for me, I have some great friends who have been there for me even when they didn’t know what to say or do… They sat silently listening, offering encouragement, and even grieved with us when we lost another one.
In conclusion: 
It’s likely that you know someone with infertility. It’s 1 in 8. Be supportive. Don’t say asshat things. I would recommend a shoulder to lean on, not a mouth full of bullshit. 

Dun Dun DUNNN… Heavy Post.

One of the reasons I started this blog was to talk about infertility, something that has become a bit of a “dark passenger” for me.  Yeah… Kinda like my ovaries are in cahoots with Dexter Morgan.

Just last year I was diagnosed with Endometriosis.  After spending the larger portion of my life complaining about my cramps, I was finally diagnosed at 29.  The ridiculous part is that I’ve been going to the same OBGYN since I was 11 when my period started because I had intense cramping.  Slapping a bandaide on it, my doc put me on birth control at 13… Which was not something I was entirely opposed to seeing as my libido was turning on around the same time.  (Not that I was active at 13… I didn’t have sex until I was 16.  But my mind figured better be safe then sorry.  Plus I went to Catholic school.  People did not turn up pregnant in catholic school… ***Cue GOT “Shame” Chorus.***)

Anyways… The past 5 years the pain had become severe during my periods.  At some point I had actually switched over to a continuous birth control.  It’s actually an odd God-Send that I did, because the less active my ovaries, the less severe the endo (Ha!).  If I had not been on BC who knows.  I would probably be completely sterile now.

Where was I going with that?  Oh Yeah… About 5 years ago I flat out told my doc “Hey… There is a ball of lava in my left side… And one of these days it’s going to erupt!”

Nope.  I was just crazy.

Jump forward in time, I got married to my husband.  After a year we decided to start to try.  6 months later I finally got pregnant.  And then… I had a miscarriage.  After weeks of calling my OBGYN and complaining of pain I started to bleed the day before the agreed to see me.  See, they generally don’t want to see you until week 6.  But I was in pain.  They said not to come in unless I started to bleed.  By the time I started to bleed it was like a flood.  Good old OBGYN didn’t even do a ultrasound to check where the sac was… Just tested my blood to make sure the HCG was leaving my body.  I sat there weeping on the table with my husband holding my hand while the midwife told me “Just try again.”  2 Chemical losses later I decided enough was enough.  At this point, I had also been off of the pill for well over a year and during my periods I could barely walk.  I would literally limp to the bathroom and bleed profusely in the shower.  But I’m just “crazy.”

The interesting thing is that all 3 losses were probably ectopic and my body was trying to save me.

Anyways… With the referral of a neighbor we ended up in the best fertility clinic in the state of Delaware.  Within 5 mins my new doctor diagnosed me with endo.  I still remember being shocked.  The funny thing about endo is that you can’t diagnose the stage until you are actually doing the surgery, but they could do some tests to take a look before opening me up.

The very first ultra sound, on my left side, they saw a large endometrioma on my left ovary, more then doubling it in size.  Exactly where I said it was.  I sat there and cried again while the nurse hugged me.  A few more dreadful tests later (One where they shot dye up into my tubes and I actually cried out in pain while my mother held my hand) I found myself in the outpatient center waiting for surgery with a snazzy gown/hair net combo with my husband and mother to keep vigil.

Funny thing was… My surgery got bumped down to the end of the day because they didn’t expect it to be that bad… But when they opened me up they were very wrong.  An hour and half surgery turned into 4 hours.  The endo was everywhere… It had even glued my colon to my abdomen wall.  I also had 4 endometrioma’s or “Chocolate cysts.”

I still remember seeing my doc right after the surgery and her telling me it was stage 4 “Severe” and I replied “So we do IVF now?”  She patted my arm and said she was going to talk to my husband and mother.

A week later I limped into the office with my husband and mother where we scrolled through disgusting pictures of my internal organs with my amazing and triumphant doctor.  The Bad News:  My tubes and ovaries were so messed up and traumatized from the endo I would never conceive naturally.

The very next day I had my first appointment with my new IVF doctor.  They said I was setting a record for how quickly I wanted to start IVF, but as long as I was sure they were sure.  3 weeks later a fridge box showed up with tons of scary fricking needles (I have a needle phobia).

My husband has been the absolute best, lovingly administering needles day and night.  When it was all said and done, I only had 20 follicles left, and 11 working follicles… 8 on my right and 3 on my left.  We ended up with 9 eggs, all 9 mature, and all 9 fertilized.  5 made it to blastocyst and we opted to do a fresh transfer.  Needless to say, I am not pregnant now because I had another chemical pregnancy loss.  4 losses total now.  But the good news, we had hedged our bets and done a biopsy and freeze on the 4 remaining embryos.  Right after the loss we had the 4 biopsies sent off and 2 of them came back normal.  Which means 2 of them were abnormal, one had an extra chromosome and one had a missing chromosome.  They weren’t major defects, but they would not have survived.

So why at 29 do I have such bad eggs when we have not medical history to suggest abnormalities?  Well.  It’s because the endo ate up most of my eggs.  We knew I had a limited supply right after the surgery.  The best way to explain it is:  You have a full basket of eggs.  The top eggs are the best, the middle eggs are okay, and the bottom eggs are just… Ehhh.  I’m at the bottom of the basket so my statistics are much higher for abnormalities.  SO we have 2 in the freezer.

Sunday I started a new round of injections.

I’ve stopped being ashamed of this.  Why should I be ashamed?

I shouldn’t be ashamed because I’ve been a lot stronger then I thought I would ever be (not that I thought I would ever be in this situation). But there have been days where I would have rather completely shut down then live in this hell. But I keep going, teary eyed and hopeful.

I’ve been mainly ashamed that my body would fail me in the one act of womanhood (Because I really suck at being a woman). I always wanted to be a mother someday, but I waited to have children, mainly so I could provide a stable life. Where’s the shame in that?

With that in mind, I would be remiss to not mention, that above all I have learned that we have some really great family and friends who will listen even when they don’t know what to say to make it better.  …Those people are the keepers!

Mainly I don’t want judgement or platitudes. People can say such hurtful things… Like “just relax” (because relaxing will somehow heal my scar tissue or maybe it will replenish the eggs my body decided to eat over the past 20 years?). Or “why don’t you just adopt?” Like adoption is so simple… Or they can’t comprehend that I could possibly want a child that shares in our bloodline.
SO if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.

So now as we start a new and different cycle, I guess we will see where this leads us.
Science is truly miraculous.