I am not excited.

Where did my life go? Seriously. Where did it go?

Oh yeah… The endless pursuit of a child. 

Being responsible doesn’t always pay off, kids. You try to focus on establishing your life and get settled in your career… But in the end you only get a good paying job to pay for the fertility treatments you are going to end up needing.  

Sorry, “Debbie downer” today. I just feel… Punchy.

I also started my progesterone injections (which are just as awful as I remember) under the guise of my FET on Wednesday. But I refuse to be excited… Because my psyche is not going to survive another loss. Full or chemical. I think If I ever get pregnant I will walk around like I’m carrying the new messiah for 9 months… Fearing losing it. 

I wonder when you get past the fear of MC? Even knowing that everything was screwed up inside of me, and that my remaining eggs in my ovaries are less then normal. It doesn’t make it easier. It doesn’t make me less stressed or worried. 

So I’m not excited. I can’t be. If it happens it happens. I am so tired of disappointment. 

That being said, I think the circumstances are “in our favor.” My body can GET pregnant, and now we know that the 2 frozen embryos are “normal.” My lining looks great, and the gigantor cyst on my left ovary went from “cats eye” size marble, to normal size marble. My body is ready.  

But I’m still not excited. And I think that’s probably weird.